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Testimony to God, my heavenly Father
by Xia Chen Yi
5 years ago, I was puzzled by some questions. Why do we live? What is the purpose of our life? What is the most important element of life? What shall we live for? I set the goal of my life as to find out the answers to these questions. Thank God who is faithful. As He promises "Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you", He gives me what I seek. However, only at the time when I humbled myself and was willing to listen and accept.
Around three years ago, my friend Kathy brought me to church. I liked the music and felt relaxed after the service. However, as I hadn’t reading the Bible, I held the cheap opinions stubbornly that Christianity was a warlike religion and God was brutal and tyrannical; Christianity was a religion for the weak who had no confidence in themselves. I claimed that I would never be Christian and I would be the God of myself. My other objection was that I didn’t think I was sinful.
God disciplines those who He loves. In the next few years, my pride was taken away and I came to be aware of my weaknesses and my sins. One night my heart was touched by the love of God and became soft. I dropped tears during a course about Christianity and read the words in my heart following the speaker to commit myself to Christ Jesus. In the next 9 months, I read God’s word hungrily. God faithfully taught me who He is and what His commands are and answers my questions about life, brings me the truth and brightens my life continuously.
I list some of what I have learnt which impressed me deeply.
1) Bible, a book of truth, the truth of life.
After I asked myself many questions about life 5 years before, I began to seek for the answers, the truth of life. I read books about Chinese histories, books written by Confucius, Sun Zi and the wisdom books such as Cai Gen Tan, 36 Tactics etc. But what I learned from these was worldly wisdom, the wisdom that benefits a people or a country in this life in the days they live; a wisdom gives answers to how we live (in a way right in our own eyes) but not WHY we live; a wisdom partly corrupted because integrity, justice and righteousness sometimes can be forsaken for the sake of wealth, position and power.
Then, I went to look at Buddhism. I was very attracted by some doctrines of Buddhism. Human can become Buddha (a perfect being in my mind) by continuous studying, thinking and training. It also holds some similar doctrines as Christianity that it thinks the material world is meaningless and also preaches love. I thought I might find the way to the truth at that time. However, when I read book written by and listened to the preaching given by some high-ranked monks, I felt very unsatisfied. They couldn’t answer my questions. Actually, they themselves are still in the process looking for truth. The words of Buddhism are abstruse (I thought it is the highest human wisdom) but the wisdom it holds is incomplete. Something is missing, hasn't been found out. (Later when I read Ecclesiastes - a book in Bible, I found the principle of Buddhism is very similar to Ecclesiastes’. But Buddhism misses the conclusion of Ecclesiastes, which makes it incomplete. What a pity that it observes the problems of the reality but gives no conclusion.)
But when I read the Bible, the four gospel firstly, I was struck. The words in Bible are so simple but the reflected wisdom is so unusual, high and deep, not from the view of human being but somewhere above. The words of Christ Jesus hit my heart and shake my soul. My spirit trembled and I exclaimed: “He is not man; His words are not human’s. I believe in whatever He said; anything only if He said, I believe.” As I continuously read through the Bible, my questions are answered one by one. I know why we are here and what we shall live for. I even know where we are from and where they are going. All are solved by the Bible and the road of my life is lightened by the words in it.
2) The hardest God’s command – love unconditionally.
When I decided to surrender to God, I was eager to learn His command. What does He want us to do? How can I please Him? The commands I learned first are: love God with all your heart, all your soul and all your mind; walk humbly with Him; there is no other God; fear God and shun evil; be justice, be merciful; give and forgive; don’t judge and don’t condemn. I am very delighted in these commands because they are all very right in my eyes and I thought I could do them. (Now I realize I myself actually cannot fulfill these commands without God’s help.) Later when I read the Ray Stedman’s preachings on 1 John, I was struck by the command, the command from the very beginning, the command of love, love unconditionally. Though I had known this command long ago, I only learned literally (love your enemy, love your brothers, love your neighbors) but didn’t learn with heart. But that day I thought about this command and found I could not do it. I cannot love people only because he is a human whom God loves unconditionally no matter whether he acknowledges God or not. But my conscience agrees with this command because I know I am also a sinner as all the others. Though I am sinful, God loves me. So I have no reason to despise others which are same sinful as me and which are also loved by God. My heart condemned me.
In the next few days I was in great depression and felt a big frustration. I cried to God in heart: “How can I love those people that are evil, injustice, with lying mouth and perverted deeds? How can I love those hypocrites speaking favorably in the front but maliciously at back? I cannot love unconditionally as You can do. Please be away from me and leave me in peace; I cannot be a Christian if You lay such a command upon me.” But God didn’t forsake me. After one gathering of my JFN team, I went home with a friend Anita. I told her that I found I couldn’t do God’s command. She didn’t show any surprise and said immediately and gently: “Yes, we cannot do it by our own efforts, so we need God.” The words enlightened my heart immediately. Yes, I cannot do it; but with God’s help, I can do any only if He commands. I am weak but He is strong, almighty and omnipotent. Why I depend on my weak self but not Him? The burden disappeared. I become more confident because I have a great Helper, my God.
3) The greatest sin?
At the very beginning, I thought my sins were pride, jealousy, impatience, arrogance and hot temper. I didn’t think I wasvery sinful but only imperfect because I thought I am upright, honest, sincere and willing to help others. Generally I am much better than many others.
After I read the words of Calvin written in the Institutes of Christianity, I knew more about my sins and realized that I am a great sinner as all other human beings. He wrote, “since nothing appears within us or around us that is not tainted with very great impurity, so long as we keep our mind within the confines of human pollution, anything which is in some small degree less defiled delights us as if it were most pure just as an eye…”. (Why we cannot find our sins.) “So long as we do not look beyond the earth, we are quite pleased with our own righteousness, wisdom, and virtue; we address ourselves in the most flattering terms, and seem only less than demigods…” (What I did.) “man never attains to a true self-knowledge until he has previously contemplated the face of God, and come down to look into himself after such contemplation…” (How can we find our sins.) “But should we once begin to raise our thoughts to God, and reflect what kind of Being he is, and how absolute the perfection of that righteousness, and wisdom, and virtue, to which, as a standard, we are bound to be conformed,” then we begin to realize what formerly delighted us by its false show of righteousness is actually polluted with the greatest iniquity; the wisdom is disguised by extreme folly; the love is with the selfish motivation.
Looking at Christ Jesus, I realized like all the others my love and good deeds are polluted by selfish motivations; I am self-centered and self-righteous; I measure myself and others with difference scales; I pervert God’s perfect rule. Pride, jealousy, hatred, discontent are the products of the self-centered and self-righteous human heart, which punish ourselves and at the same time, bring more iniquities into the world. My greatest sin is self. I myself am my greatest enemy. The hardest battle of my life is between I and myself. Thank Christ Jesus. He has conquered the sin already, so I have confidence to triumph in Him.
4) God is love.
In the beginning, God impressed me with His justice, righteousness, omnipotence and faithfulness. I thought Him as a severe Father because I felt His discipline, chastenment and reproach more than affection. Though I knew that He loves us, loves me so that He sacrificed His only son to save us, I just know it in letter. I respected and feared Him more than loved Him. At that time, I submitted one paper to a premier conference and prayed that paper to be accepted. However, as I was more aware of my sins, I worried more and more. I thought I am so self-centered and self-righteous and often put God aside and do according to my will, whether He wouldn’t answer my prayer in order to give me more lessons to learn and to make me more obedient? Whether He would give me more trials to refine me because I am still unpurified?
Being very upset, I went the MacRitchie reservoir near our church to relax myself. The scenery was beautiful. I walked and walked and sat down at a place where the scenery looked best. I enjoyed the water, the sky, the cloud, the wind, the trees, the little flowers and flying dragonflies. The dark clouds over my heart were dispersed. What a wonderful creator! I thought, He loves the world so much and makes it so beautiful. The deliberate designs of the creatures reveal His love, His affection. What a caring God! He prepared this beautiful world for us. He is love. He loves the world though the world doesn’t recognize and even hate Him. And.... He shall love me too!! My heart was immediately enlightened and rejoiced, "He won’t discipline and punish me always. He will also console me, help me and comfort me!" I believed that my prayer would be answered.
In the next few days, I kept in this love mood and my lab-mate even noticed and asked me: “Why you are so happy?” I began to call God my heavenly Father after that. He is my God and also an affectionate Father. He knows my weakness, also knows my needs and plans the best for me. (By the way, God answered my prayer. Before I got the final result of my paper. My supervisor wrote us an email to say that all his papers (including mine) were rejected. I wrote several sisters in Christ to ask them to continue pray for me. One sister comforted me and said it is the time to test me because my faith reached somewhere. I said, “Don’t comfort me now; the real result hasn’t come out yet; please continue pray for me; I believe in God.” Minutes later, I received another email from my supervisor which said that my paper has been accepted. But I want to say: God doesn’t answer all of our prayers but always gives us what is best for us.
5) The only everlasting thing belonging to me - the relationship between I and God.
My baptism was postponed because I went UK to attend a conference in July. I learned a very important lesson there. In the Tuesday morning (the third day I reached London), before Buckingham palace I put my bag on a marble table and sit down to read map. After I finished reading, I stood up and found my bag was gone. In a few seconds, my mind went blank and I realized I made a neglect which leaded to a un-reversible result. Looking around the square with thousands of people, I knew that there is little possibility to find the thief. I reported to the policeman and then prayed. That day I had planned to leave London to go Edinburgh, so all my valuable things including the important documents my passport and student pass were all inside of the bag.
Without one penny with me or any acquaintance in London, I didn’t feel anxiety, on the contrary, was quite relaxed. A relaxation that I had never experienced before. A feeling of free of all the burdens. An assurance that God will look after me and there is nothing I need to worry about. I did get help. Later, I found Luke and Pei Theng which are ARPC members and now in London. Though they hadn’t known me before, they offered to help me immediately when I called them and welcomed me warmly. I stayed at their home and borrowed money from them so that I could go Edinburgh to attend the conference and apply new travel documents to return Singapore. The process of application of travel documents was very smooth and I returned Singapore safely on Sunday. I knew subconsciously that God taught me a very important lesson.
After I returned Singapore I thought over the event happened in London. Why I didn’t worry at all and felt a strange relaxation when I was an orphan in London? Why I didn’t feel any sadness about my loss which was about 2000S$. After several days’ thinking, I realized what I have learned. Things which I thought were important to my life, money, job and my physical body, reputation and position were all transient and vulnerable. They can be lost in several seconds with a small neglect. The only everlasting and valuable thing belonging to me is my relationship with God. With Him, there is nothing to be worried about. This event reassured me of the conclusion of Ecclesiastes: “Fear God and keep His commandments, for this is the WHOLE duty of man.”
Another thing I learned is that brotherhood and sisterhood that we established in Christ which is the extension of the relationship between I and God is another thing we can rely on. When there are opportunities that I can help my sisters and brothers, I will do as Luke and Pei Theng have done.
I made the decision to accept Christ Jesus as my Lord and Savior on October 17, 2003 and was baptized on August 22, 2004. As a new-born Christian, I am still a sinner. I pray that in the rest of my life, God continuously cleanse me with His Holy Spirit, protects me from Satan’s attack and temptation of the sinful human nature, and leads me walking steadfastly on the road return to His everlasting kingdom where the pure light, the eternal life and the unconditional love are.
P.S.
In above testimony, I wrote: “As a new-born Christian, I am still a sinner.” Now as a little more matured Christian, I know happily that I am a big sinner, sinner than I was aware.
Xia
Chen Yi
25 Jan 05
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